5 parts gin and one moment of silence for the vermouth
In 1896 a good book was published, called “Farmers Manual”
Inside, two handwritten recipes were found. Transcribed as seen:
Elder Blossom Wine Pick the Blossoms from
the Stems Take one “quart of Blossoms to one
gallon of water heat the Water Boiling then
Pour it on the Blossoms Let it Stand one
Hour Strain then add three Pounds of Shugar
then a little so the Sugar Disolves Let it
come to a boil and Skim after it cools of
a Little then add ‘one Lemmon one table
Spoonful of hops yeast then let it Stand
twenty four hours and Strain and *u
dont cor* to (l)ight for a few days
and Keep in a cool place you can grate
the Lemmon as Slice it to get the Strentt
out of to
Receip(t)t for Golden Oil
I Quart of Linseed Oil
I Oz Hemlock Oil
I Oz Cedar Oil
I Oz Sasafras Oil
I Oz Organum Oil
I Oz Camphor Gum
1/4 Oil of Spike
(*) = unreadable
There is no exact science to Pruno, aka Prison Wine – to my knowledge. I learned about it from a 2-Striker who was very interested in imparting helpful information to me.
For example, NEVER punch a police officer’s horse, as that will be considered Assault on a Police Officer (and you will get the appropriate punishment). Also, he shared the best places on your body to “shoot up” your drug of choice so as to evade detection from the authorities… or your significant other – in custody and on “the outside”.
Also, if a person with any sort of record goes to rob a 7-Eleven with a person with no record, and that (no-record) person is shot by a police officer & killed, it is probable that the record-holding thief with be hit with a murder charge, so the police will come off scott-free.
2-Striker might have been high when he told me the last one… but I’m pretty sure the other two are true.
As is this very imperfect recipe for Pruno.
Basically, Pruno is alcohol made from whatever you get during your meals in prison or jail. Usually you collect the fresh fruit you get, whether an apple or orange – even a banana will do. You will need to chew it so that the juices are flowing. Then, you add the bread from any sandwiches that you are given. As there isn’t a lot of food given in each prison meal & you are often hungry, this particular 2-Striker told me that he would eat his sandwiches, but save the crusts of the bread for his Pruno. I would imagine you can tweak the flavors based on items used and the amounts.
Please find the recipe below. I haven’t tried it, but if you do – please let me know if it works!
PRUNO (California Style)
* 1/2 eaten (chewed up to the best of your ability) fresh fruit (apple/orange/banana) – whatever you get in prison/jail
* the crusts of bread from your prison sandwich
* water or juice
NOTE: Saliva is a very important component to this recipe. DO NOT REPLACE!
* sugar packet
* jelly packet
* maple syrup packet
* any non-chocolate candy, like sweet tarts, skittles, etc. (if you can get these from Commissary – or whatever way one gets such treats in prison/jail)
Once you have been given your fruit of the meal, start chewing it up into small, half-digested pieces. Your saliva will help you greatly with this recipe – it is a necessary component.
Set the chewed up fruit aside. Try to keep as much of the liquid created as possible.
Then take any sandwich you have been given for the day. Save as much of the bread as you can. If you are too hungry, eat the sandwich and save the crusts of the bread. (Please understand that it might take you longer to create Pruno with less bread AKA less yeast source.)
Chew the bread pieces until suitably salivated (soggy and chewed up).
Add chewed up bread to chewed up fruit and set aside.
Find a container – whether a sock or something fashioned from a undershirt, underwear, whatever you have laying around. If using cloth, you will need to layer it as much as possible, so as not to lose the precious Pruno Starter.
Stuff the chewed up fruit and chewed up bread into the receptacle. Add water, or if you have it, juice. At this time, you can add any additional items, such as the sugar, jelly or maple syrup. If you choose to add a cookie or candy, please make sure it is chewed up as this is the best way to release the sugars.
Close the receptacle as tightly as possible. Combine the ingredients via shaking, squishing, etc.
Place in a dark safe place. 2-Striker suggested the toilet as, in his experience, this made the best Pruno and was the safest place for it to evade the prison guards.
Continue to add additional fruit, bread, optional items, water as your starter begins to ferment.
Depending on prison temperature and ingredients, I would imagine your Pruno could be ready for consumption in as soon as a week. Although, if you choose to wait longer, I think (based on my limited scientific knowledge) that your Pruno will become stronger with a higher alcohol content.
I assume you can add water to dilute the mixture if you choose to share it with others.
*** PLEASE NOTE:
re: Toilet Placement – I do not know if urine is a component in this recipe! I assumed that 2-Striker took out the Pruno Starter when he or his roommate used the toilet. Or at least angled their urination away from the Pruno.
Unfortunately, I did not get this part clarified when I was given the original recipe.
A cocktail of borne of Christmas desperation and a resourceful spirit(s):
1 part Southern Comfort
3 or 4 parts Calpis (or Calpico depending on your location)
Alternatively, just pour an amount of Southern Comfort into a glass that doesn’t make you feel too shameful, then add an appropriate amount of Calpis to taste.
1 measure cynical politicians
1 measure xenophobia
a dash of Tories claiming they will fund the NHS
Thrown down the sink
Muddle a little fresh ginger and one quarter plum in 3/4 oz dry vermouth
Add 1 1/4 oz of plum infused gin
Stir well on ice
Double strain into a chilled martini glass
When the chemist opens…
In 2012 I received a scholarship from the Leverhulme Trust for a one-year Artist in Residency at the UCL Urban Laboratory in London, to introduce sound as an art practice to urban scholars and students. As part of my research I decided to dérive the city.
The Euston Tap, Euston
The Bloomsbury Tavern, Bloomsbury
Princess Louise, High Holborn
The Angel, St. Giles’s
The Red Lion, Soho
The Golden Lion, St. James’s
The Windsor Castle, Victoria
The Prince of Wales, Kennington
The Rose and Crown, Clapham
The Prince of Wales, Clapham
The Moon Under Water, Balham
1. pour 2 dl red Rioja wine in a straight glass
2. pour 2 dl SevenUp and 8 cl Absolut vodka, with some ice, in a shaker and shake it.
3. pour the shaked and chilled contents in the straight glass and stir.
4. put two red coktail cherries in the glass.
22.5ml Lillet blanc
22.5ml pineapple juice
Shake over ice.
Double the recipe for whole numbers and more inebriation.
NB. Traditionally, dry vermouth is what is used, but I didn’t have any and Lillet has far more character.
Tie Luo Han is a Chinese Oolong tea of the Wuyi Rock tea family. The name translates to Iron Warrior Monk, because it is believed that it was created by a powerful warrior monk with golden-bronze skin, hence the cool kung-fu movie-like name. This is one of my favorite teas. I drink it a lot. Although it’s a mid-priced tea (100 grams is usually around $30, although the price has risen in the last years) I like it better than teas which cost twice more. It’s easily available from online tea shops.
Tie Lup Han has a strong full-bodied taste, with a rich and smooth aftertaste. It works well with food, but the aftertaste will be somewhat lost, so for the full experience drink it on its own. It’s one of the teas which I can drink any time of the day.
Here’s how you prepare it:
Tie Luo Han is a loose leave tea. No tea bags, so you’ll need a bit more utensils than just a big cup.
If you have tea clams which you use for loose leave tea: throw them in the garbage. Tea clams is an abomination. The difference between bag tea and loose leave tea is that the loose leaves are bigger. They need space to swell. With a tea clam you’re putting them in jail and reducing the full effect. Use a pot (clay or glass, either is fine) or a Gaiwan.
Like other Oolong teas it’s best to brew Tie Luo Han at 90°C. If you don’t have a temperature-specific water boiler just let the water boil up and then cool for a few minutes. Never let water boil excessively – it’s the oxygen which provides taste to the tea. Dead water = dead tea. The amount of tea is difficult to say. It depends on the size of the pot. Usually about 1/3 of the pot covered by tea (in dry condition) is a good rule. The amount of tea affects the brewing time. After a few times you’ll get a feel for it.
The first brew you throw away and don’t drink. This is to ’wash’ the tea of possible toxins. It also decreases the caffeine levels (80% of the caffeine is released during the first 30 seconds of brewing).
The second brew is the first you drink. Let it brew for approx 30 seconds. The tea should get a light brown colour. Not dark like black tea, but darker than green and white tea. Pour it into a pitcher from which you pour into the drinking cup(s). Use small drinking cups. It may not look as butch as your big red Manchester United-mug, but the tea will taste better. You should slurp. It adds oxygen and thus more taste.
For the third round let it brew for about 60 seconds. And for the forth and fifth add 15-30 seconds each consecutive round. The third brew is often the best. Your mouth is accustomed to the taste so the tea takes on a drier quality.
Tie Lou Han is good for about 5-6 brews.
Take a glass of water from Lake Titicaca
Trouble sleeping? Waking up too early? Try “The Coma”
2 shots (88ml) of good bourbon. I’d recommend Woodford Reserve.
1.5 measures (30 ml) of Night Nurse Cold Remedy.
In 1946, just a few years before his death, George Orwell wrote a piece for London’s Evening Standard newspaper, “A Nice Cup Of Tea”. You can read the full text below. He makes tea in a very different way to me, but this article is part of the centuries-long debate about how to make a good cuppa…
Here is my recipe…
It is absolutely essential that the water used for making a proper cup of tea is boiling. Do not accept anything less than boiling water poured into a mug (or cup).
Tea – the type of tea depends on what time of day it is that you wish to drink your beverage. I have a cup of Yorkshire Tea first thing, English Beakfast Tea with breakfast, Ceylon Tea late morning and Daarjeeling in the afternoon.
Milk – I always put the milk in first. This is a controversial aspect of tea-making. I use semi-skimmed organic and prefer my tea quite milky. The milk, of course, must also be cold.
Water – the water MUST be boiling hot.
Stir to your desired strength (I personally prefer quite weak tea).
Please remember to recycle your teabag. I put it in the compost bucket for the worms…
8 lbs. Hugh Baird brand English Pale malt
1 1/3 lbs. Baird) Pale malt, roasted.
For darker ale, roast to amber: 30 mins. at 225 F. followed by 30 mins. at 300 F. For lighter, roast an hour at 225 F.
around 3 lbs. rolled oats
14 to 16 qts. water (main batch)
14 will produce 1 1/2 gallons of ale; 16 will produce 2 gallons
6 to 8 qts. water (second runnings)
1 pkt, Danstar brand Nottingham ale yeast
1 pkt, Danstar brand Windsor ale yeast
Pre-heat the oven to 225 degrees F. Measure out 1 1/3 lbs. of pale malt, and place it in an e.g. 9 x 13 inch baking pan. When the oven is hot, place the malt in the oven and bake for 30 mins. Then increase the heat and bake another 30 mins. Or, for a lighter colored ale, simply bake 60 mins. at 225 F. Remove and set out to cool.
Sanitize an insulated tun and two fermentation vessels (two 3-gal. food-grade plastic buckets with lids).
Boil water for first runnings (14 to 16 qts.). Crush the malt, mixing the amber (baked) malt with the pale malt. Then mix the oats with the crushed malt well.
If your tun has a false bottom or other similar device, pour in enough boiling water to cover it. Then pour in all of the grain. Finally, slowly ladle the remaining water over the grain, pouring from some height.
Cover the mash tun and let sit 30 mins. Open and stir well, then close and let sit another 3 1/2 to 4 hours. This is a hot mash, so it will need this long period of time to mash (convert the starches into sugars).
Put the water for the second running on to boil. Set up the first fermentation vessel under the drain valve or tube of the insulated tun, and slowly run the liquor from the first mash into the first vessel. Close and set aside to cool.
After the first liquor has been drained out, and when the water for the second running has reached a boil, pour it into the damp grain. Allow to sit for 30 mins, then set up the second fermentation vessel and run this liquor into it. Close the second fermenter, and allow both to cool overnight.
In the morning, sanitize a smaller pan or ladle, a Pyrex measuring cup, and a spoon. Also boil about a cup of water and cool it, covered. Rehydrate the packets of yeast into 3/4 cup of the boiled water. Pour this yeast mixture into the two fermenters, 2/3 into the strong main batch, 1/3 into the second runnings. Use the sanitized ladle to aerate each of the batches (by picking up liquor and pouring it back in turbulently).
Close the fermenters (filling the water locks, if any) and allow to ferment.
For 2 1/2 gallons of ale:
4 2/3 lbs. Hugh Baird brand English Pale malt
1 1/2 lbs. rolled oats
13 qts water
1 pkt Danstar brand Nottingham ale yeast
1 pkt Danstar brand Windsor ale yeast
1/4 oz. Light Oak chips
Boil water. Crush the malt, then mix it well, while still dry, with the oats.
Open up the insulated tun and place it on the floor near the stove (where the boiling water is). Pour 2 quarts of water into the tun from a reasonable height, moderately slowly.
Pour all the dry grain into the lauter tun.
Slowly pour 3 more quarts of boiling water over the grain. Don’t stir. Put the cover on the tun and let it stand for 10 mins. Then add 1 more quart of boiling water. At this point, there should be a very small amount of visible liquid. Put the lid back on and wait 20 more mins.
Now take the lid off and stir it all up. It should be about the consistency of fairly thick porridge. Put the lid back on and do something else for a while – at least an hour and a half. (I went out for a beer with some friends for 3 1/2 hours.)
Open up the tun and stir in 3 more quarts of boiling water, and stir. Close up again and wait 25 more mins.
Finally, add remaining boiling water (4 quarts)
Set up the sanitized fermenter. Open the mash tun valve (or otherwise start straining out the wort, that is the liquid part, from the grain. (Unlike modern methods, I did not recirculate the liquid in any way.) The first gallon should go quickly; straining the last gallon should be done somewhat more slowly in order to get most of the liquid out.
Close the fermenter and let the wort cool overnight.
Rehydrate both packages of yeast according to the package instructions (being careful to use water that has been boiled and cooled, and a glass that has been sanitized in some way). Pitch the yeast into the wort, and shake, stir, and otherwise agitate the wort in order to aerate it.
Let the ale ferment for a day; the yeast should have started, and activity should be well under way. Boil the oak chips in approx. 1 cup water. When the water is the color of a cup of tea, take off heat and allow to cool some. Pour off water, then add approx. 1/2 cup of water back into chips. Raise this to a boil again, then allow to cool; it should be just barely darker in color than normal water. Add this oak-water to the wort.
Let the ale ferment for a couple more days. Draw off and serve.
2 oz. (60 ml) Tea Infused Bourbon
3/4 oz. (25 ml) Simple Syrup
10 mint leaves
3 dashes Fee’s Peach bitters (or two slices of fresh peach)
To make the Tea-infused Bourbon add one strong black tea bag to every 8 oz (240 ml) of Bourbon (I prefer Buffalo Trace or Makers Mark for this). Allow to infuse for 4 hours, remove the tea bags and use. This will keep indefinitely.
To make the simple syrup mix 2:1 parts sugar to water and bring to a light boil. Turn off the heat and allow to cool – kept in the refrigerator this will keep for about a month.
To assemble the julep:
Muddle the mint leaves with the simple syrup and the bitters in a heavy glass. (if using fresh peach, muddle that here as well)
Top with half the Tea-Infused bourbon, stir well and add crushed ice to nearly fill the glass. Add the rest of the bourbon and give a stir. Top the glass off with more crushed ice.
Garnish with a lemon slice and a sprig of mint.
Enjoy on a warm porch with a good breeze and the sun shining.
This cocktail needs to be sweet and trashy, with a thin veneer of pseudo-sophistication, as well as slightly embarrassing to admit to liking. Eastern Europe should dominate this drink as much as it dominates the contest, though the west should make an appearance as well, just to give the proceedings a surface appearance of fairness.
* 2 parts vodka
* 1 part Pálinka (Hungarian flavoured brandy) … maybe some other potent Eastern European spirit as a substitute (credit to Kai Hoffman)
* a dash of Angostura Bitters “to represent the dashed hopes of anyone not from east of the Danube” (credit to Jo Tacon)
2 parts vodka
1 part slivovica (Slovakian plum brandy)
Shake with ice and serve in a martini glass
1 part dry London gin, preferably Bombay Sapphire or Gordon’s
1 part French brandy
Shake with ice and serve in a martini glass
The Terry Wogan
This drink must taste bitter and bitchy but be ultimately endearing.
1 part dry London gin, preferably Bombay Sapphire or Gordon’s
1 part Jameson Irish Whiskey
a dash of Angostura Bitters
Essentially it’s a Smoky Martini with Irish whiskey instead of Scotch and a dash of bitters thrown in.
Wake Up With Wogan
Because some days you require alcohol earlier than others, this is same as The Terry Wogan, but mixed with orange juice to taste to lend it a pre-evening air of respectability. Although generally this should be made with anywhere from four to six parts orange juice, it can be made with as much or as little as you’d like. You can even make it with no orange juice. Yes, I know that would leave you with simply a Terry Wogan, but here’s the best bit: you can still call it a Wake Up With Wogan. You’re not an alcoholic, you just prefer your Wake Up With Wogan dry.
1 generous glass of your favourite 12 year old Scotch whisky
1 Gauloises cigarette
Smoke this classic French cigarette whilst drinking a fine glass of whisky. If you must speak whilst enjoying your twelve points, you are required to do so in English with a fake, vaguely Continental accent.
Irelande Douze Pointe
1 pint of Guinness
1 shot of Ouzo 12
Sink the shot in the Guinness and it’s 2008 with turkeys all over again!
4/5 large heads of elderflowers, picked on a dry sunny day, fully open. This is usually in the early June in the UK.
4 tablespoons of white wine vinegar
10 litres of cold water
10 litre vessel (like a plastic bucket)
Bottles that are strong enough to take the pressure of the gas produced (like litre tonic, lemonade bottles)
a large jug
a small jug
a lemon squeezer
a potato peeler or sharp small knife
a strainer or fine clean muslin
Make sure all the equipment used is sterilised and well rinsed (very important or it will go bad).
Wash the lemons and peel finely as possible the rind.
Remove any insects, leaves or any other objects from the flowerheads, don’t wash them.
Squeeze the lemons and put the juice in the 10 litre vessel with the rind and flowers.
Add the sugar and wine vinegar, carefully so as to not crush the flowers
Pour on the water and stir gently. Cover and leave to stand 24 hours,
Stir gently about every 6 hours.
After 24 hours take off cover and remove any large pieces of flower heads and rind
Use small jug to pour some liquid into large jug through the sieve. When large jug is full, place the funnel into a sterilised bottle and pour liquid through strainer/muslin into bottle. Repeat for all of the bottles, screw caps on firmly and leave somewhere not hot or cold.
After 2/3 weeks it will be ok to drink but the longer left the more the flavour develops.
It will last up to a year. When opening be careful it can be very lively!
Simple is best.
2 parts vodka
3 parts tomato juice
A liberal splash of Worcestershire Sauce
5 jolts of Tabasco
In addition, freshly ground black pepper and a sliver of lemon are musts, as are celery salt and a stick of celery with which to stir – it needs to be stirred, and a spoon or a straw simply will not do, or so I am advised. Anyone who bolts on further complexities to this God of drinks must be shot.
To be drunk over ice, whilst wearing vintage Comme des Garçons and toasting dear friends in Antwerp and Berlin.